Dr. Cris's thoughts

An area for my thoughts and bigger thoughts but mostly for my small thoughts. Enjoy!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Dizzy

Sometimes I get so dizzy. There are too many things to do, too many things to ponder. I can not stop the spinning of the world of course. But perhaps I would be able to stop the spinning of my world. Alas, it isn't possible. My world touches on the worlds of so many others. There is the work force, which I must participate in, if for no other reason than to feed, shelter and clothe myself. Then there is the world of my loved ones whom without I wouldn't find much meaning in life at all. And while I know that if I were to leave, they would continue on with their lives, I feel that there are certain things I must do to have my world coincide with thiers. And then there are others who have far more loved ones than I. Little people they need to care for as they grow. My responsiblities are nil compared to those. However there are even more people that let thier little ones go about the world on thier own. Spinning in thier own tiny circles with out any reason to stop or go. So many don't have radars that pick up on thier own offspring. My life, my childhood, I was an unwanted spot on the radar of my mother and her husband. Often times I wish I wasn't born. But there is no one that I can make suffer for my own existence, because they do not care. So I plod along each day with the little happiness that I find in my meager life force. One day it will end, till then, I might as well make something of this pile of cells and tissues. Maybe I can make it so I don't see my tiny world spinning. Till the day when I will have to take care of the tiny circles of others. Perhaps then, my tiny world won't matter anymore.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The meaning of Life.

I believe that failure in life is a result of not fully knowing what you were getting yourself into. I think people go into things far too soon. I never jump into a ravine without a parachute because I am far too frightened of dying at the bottom of the ravine. This has unfortunately left me in a life with not too much adventure. However, I have also not had too many failures and that is because I play it safe. But perhaps I play it too safe and thus have no real concept of the meaning of life. Is the life meant to be a series of adventures? Or is it to be learning experiences? For example, I will learn all about the ravine. I will learn all about the parachute. I will learn all about the activity of jumping. And then I will jump. And then I will tell you about it. But perhaps would I learn more if I just grabbed a parachute and jumped? Or is that not really a learning experience, but just an experience.
As a college student, I was more apt to just jump. But as I get older, I find myself so terrified to try something new without knowing all about it. Does that make me wiser? For as Soctates says, "True knowledge is in knowing that you know nothing." Well, let me tell you, I don't know a G*D Damn bloody thing! When I was younger I thought that I didn't need to know anything. I would just do things and things would happen. Action causes Reaction. And now, I can't act because I fear a Negative Reaction. I do far too much research, months of planning before I do a simple act such as moving. And yet I see other's around me just pick their bags up and go. Why can't I just go? What has happened in my life that I think and plan and research and question and THEN I go. Is it a combination of too many falls that have made me cautious. Is it age, life experience? Or is the true real meaning of life to just never stop learning. To never stop having some sort of adventure. I think it is. I think that once I reach a point where I have nothing to learn, nothing new to see....Then perhaps I will just die. Maybe I have slowed down in my life lately because I have reached a point where I had learning overload. I need to reset my brain, my body in order to process more. I hope so. I hope that you dear reader, will find adventures and lessons as well.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

How Di Do?

When logic doesn't make any sense, it is no longer logical. People fight in the name of a god that possibly they don't really understand. People blame Sons for the sins of the Father. Women hate men because they don't understand themselves. Men hate women because they don't understand their language. And yet, if people stopped confusing themselves with hate, anger and trying to form a logical thought, people may realize that things are an awful lot closer than they appear.
But who am I to judge? All I can do is try to understand. Try to understand why the teenage girl has a baby. Why a 5 year old girl has AIDS. How a woman can let a man beat her. I try to understand these things. But I can not wrap my feeble mind around why people seem to prefer pain. Why people complain of a better life when the choices they did not make can lead them to the better life that they long for. I will never understand how passion fuels the mind. How people don't think before they act. And yet, I know, each day, I do the same. My faults are the same as others. We are human. Our many faults appear in various different incarnations and cause different evils. But sometimes we do good, sometimes we mean too, other times we accidentally cause a beautiful experience. Hopefully some day we will be surrounded by beautiful experiences. Perhaps though, at that time to world will cease to exist. For without the negative, we never trully learn to experience the positive. There is a silver lining for every cloud. But the dark clouds must exist or we will never have the rain. Without the rain we have no plants, the oxygen. We have no water, no life. We try to perform and hope people will be aware. But there are so many out there that do not understand out performances. They don't see the purpose. They don't see the use. We just can't change everyone. There will always be the bad seed, the person who just won't give in. Or even worse the person that just won't care. It is all the rest of us can do - to just care. Care. It doesn't matter what you care about, but care about something. Try to do good without harming others. Try to do good, not in the name of a God, but in the name of yourself, of your own future. For the future of humanity.